Sam's diary
by Demonddancer
Summary: Sam is sent to thearpy due to her overbarring parents and is forced to keep a diary. she tells all about her self and ends up finding confort in a book that she thought would only make her problems worse.
1. new book thing

Disclaimer: no I do not have mental issues. Cough-in-denial-cough. Anyway…once again if I owned this show would I be writing this, and have this much free time?

Chapter one: a new black book

Dear book thing,

This is Gay!!! I don't know why exactly I am writing this...oh yea I know it's due to my therapist that my parents force me to see twice a week to better understand me. Like that will ever happen! I have to write in this book every dam day describing what is going on in my life and how I make a better understanding of myself so that I can "talk" about it with this stick up the ass dick wad that's trying to pry in my life.

My name is Samantha Ann Manson and if you ever think of calling me Sammie I will have to kick your ass. I am a Goth and an ultra recyco-veggitarian which means I don't eat anything that once had a face. I hate pink and I hang out with techno-geek tucker Foley and Danny phantom a.k.a Invis-o-bill but when he's not stuffed in a locker and someone calls him by his real name he is Danny Fenton. Only me and tucker know about him being half ghost.

His parents are just as wacky as mine, they are ghost hunters and after an accident Danny all of a sudden got ghost powers. Now it's up to the three of us to save our town from being over run by ghost. No one in his family knows, but maybe jazzes his older sister she's really smart so she probably has put the two together and in just not telling us.

I get most annoyed when people call me and Danny love birds were just really good friends. I met him and tucker in junior high, they were being picked on and I defended them and then from there it was history. The most fun game I love playing with them is guessing Sam's real hair color. I dyed it black to go with my Goth image. I met them when I first started my punk faze that went into Goth pretty quickly. Unlike most Goth I smile and laugh and have fun with life. But hell with my parent's id go nuts if I didn't have Danny and tucker to look forward to.

They do everything together I refer to them as dum and dummer. I don't know how they can't even pass basic classes and keep moving up grades. But what ever. Then I'm in better physical shape then them which I find funny. But then I love to run and well it's my outlet, when things get tough I put on my sneakers and shorts and run. No matter what time or the weather, I never have a routine rout that I take. I always end up on this one hill.

I kill you if you tell anyone but on that hill is where I first met Danny when I was seven years old. It was fun and cute I still wore pink and my mother and father loved me back then because I did what they said, come to think of it, it was like we were living in a play. But the play ended and I ran for the first time.

I arrived at this hill to see this raven haired boy who was chucking rocks at the geese I quickly defended them making him to stop. I always had a love of animals. Next thing I knew we were talking about how our parents suck and then we became close. We'd sneak out each day to meet them. Then summer came and we both went away to camp and we stopped meeting. If I never met Danny again I could say he was my first love...but were just friends and I'm happy with that. I don't want our relationship to get weird.

I can't believe that I just wrote all of that. Wow I must really be bored, well see ya.

Like I give a shit

Sam


	2. ribbons fall away

Chapter two: ribbons fall away

Well dumb little book of mine here I am again,

I have spent the better part of three hours crying. I bet you want to know why Mr. Huffman, even though you say I am not obligated to tell you anything you ask ten thousand questions, you know the ones to get me to unclamp. Well Mister it won't work on me! I can keep a secret for years! Danny first discovered his affiliation with ghost when he was 14, I write this in my senior year, a part of my parent's last feeble attempt to hold onto me before I head out to college. I am not like many diluted teenagers that say that they are free adults once they leave their homes. I know I am biting the hand that feeds me since junior high and I wore my first punk bracelets. So that tells you I've stayed clamped up in my mind for three and a half years.

But I guess I will tell you dumb nosey book reader of mine 'cause I've already explained so much. There is no excuse that I am still madly, hopelessly and utterly in love with my best friend. Danny "phantom" Fenton! Yes you must have saw the tabloids you onlooker of my book. But that blissful relationship that we desperately hung onto could have never lasted. I never expected it to, but I diluted myself in every indulged moment.

It was entertaining how we would take time to go on dates, he was always so romantic and shy about acting when it came to kissing he always hesitated. He never wanted to upset me and my hair thin trigger temper, but that would just set me off. I found myself more forceful and him more timid. He loved every moment of when I would push him down upon his bed and take the very breath that gave him life. He would always know where to touch to get me going further and more intense. I would be lying if I didn't admit that our relationship had not been sexual with in the year and a half that we were together. But it seemed that the tighter we clung to one another the harder the world would try and tear us apart.

Well it seems I just told you about history but not why I am leaving tear blotches over this smeared ink on this page, but it is the only way you can understand. Well after our break up we managed to be friends. I still was kidnap choice and slowly the glamour of saving the world had drifted into the background and people didn't seem to cheer every time Danny saved them. Some dumb blond daddy's credit card holding bitches devised a plan to make me seem unappealing to Danny. They showed him the skanky side of town and that led me to our first sexual encounter, it was a desperate attempt to make Danny stay with me, even though I didn't see it then he wasn't going to leave me. But my insecurity got in the way, just like today.

I haven't gone out with anybody in the past year. To give you a better time line Danny was Phantom for a year before everyone found out at the battle of Phantom Planet and he became a world renounced symbol. It was then we hooked up for a year and a half we were together for a year. And on our one and a half year anniversary I broke it off. We had been "sexually active" for six months, our first cliquey sexual act that went below the belt was on our one year. It is the spring of senior year and we have been apart for the better part of a year. I hate that I can just lay this out like some history report but that is what this is.

I am crying here for what no good reason is until now that Tucker told me that Danny wanted to ask me to prom and that he has been way down in the past year especially since June when I told him that I could no longer be his best friend. It is true I do hang out with Danny and Tucker like we used to before we hook up but I told him that I couldn't be alone with Danny, I can't trust myself. They didn't understand that I still love him, even if our last conversation as a couple we had admitted that our relationship was too much work between school, ghost and the crazed fans that were making death threats on my life. I think he felt guilty that I was getting in a lot of fights, but I was able to handle myself even if it had gotten to the point of hospitalization.

I wanted with all my heart to say "FUCK YES!" but that guilty face and hollowed out eyed image of Danny one year ago as I lay pumped with thousands of mg of drugs and tubes all over told me that I shouldn't.

So that's it I am crying over Danny. Again. Like a petty teen movie of girl loves best friend but wants to protect him and then doesn't do anything about it cause she fears the hot popular girls that stalk him, and make sure I don't act out towards him. Truth is told the reason why I am never alone with Danny since that "accident" was because I had gotten jumped by all the cheerleaders and soccer players. I was helpless. And for once in my life I followed orders when they told me back the fuck off cause I saw how much me getting hurt, hurt him worse. He still doesn't know who did it.

The fucked up protector of friends

Sam


	3. therapy

Chapter three: therapy

Dear Dumb book that has grown on me

Sadly I am starting to see the therapudic feelings that I get as I write, I think the best part is due to my goth nature I learned Latin so all your words are in Latin. When my therapest asked to see if I wrote anything I told him I had, And like I though he asked to see my book. To his horror he couldnt understand why I wrote in Latin, So I told him.

"I had understood that you had wanted to see what I wrote. You figured that I would tell a peice of paper what I havent told you." I said with my hands crossed against my chest. This was the most I have sponken in the past year I have gone to therapy, maybe eventually I will get around to why I got locked up and put in therapy, but that's a long story for a rainy day.

"I had assumed it would allow more conversation than we have been having. Your parents are quite upset that they spend so much money on therapy and we do nothing but stair at each other, frankly I had spent twelve yearsin college and I have used every note of how to make someone open-up. I dont want to give up on you. But I am running out of options." ran his neatly trimed fingers through his slick hair, It reminded me of Danny'sand how he acted when he couldnt find an answer, and the connection made me have to shake my head to loss the image.

"Fine, if it is a matter of your job I will talk. But dont believe it's a friendship here. Just pitty." I said in a huff. I may not like but I do not wish him to loss his job. I am an activist after all.

"Thank god." He said in an exasperated breath.

"So what do you need me to say?" I said as I looked at my nails, the polish was chipping at the tips I shouldthink of wearing another color.

"How about we get to know each other so we can at least pretend to be friends?" He said with a strained smile.

"I have an idea how about we tell our impressions of one another. I dont like talking about myself, I am not superfiscial." I said knowing that he was about to question my motives as to why, I dont want those notes to talkabout me. It freaks me out that I can be summed up so simply on a scrap of paper and given a pill to fix me because I am human and have flaws.

"I'm not your friend and I know that when you get home you talk about your most dificult case even though there was a paper called patient-confiendiality. Which read in small print you can see that if you dont mention my fist and last name together you will never violate it. I have a brain on my shoulders and I know that every word I am saying is being recorded by that plastic duck." I rolled my eyes.

"If your so smart why didnt you finish that early graduation program that would allow you leave highschool and embark on college a year and a half early." He asked patiens worn to the bone.

"You know damn well. I was going out with the oh-so-wonderful-savior-of-the-world Danny Phantom. That everyone knows is Danny Fenton. It was in your case file about my history my parents made for you. You know all about mefrom reading my case study from the hospital and my crazy moment while I was in battle, how I still despitemany profesttionals oppions help save this damn town that I hate cause my family lives here and as much as theyare never really there and how much pedle out money for me to talk to other people instead of them I do actuallylove them although their attemps that work. And my impression is some brown noser that just wants me to say what you want to hear, cry and say how rotten I have been. Well I know how rotten I've been and I'm not sorry. Is that enough talking for you mr. hidden recorder?" I asked the duck as I chucked it across the room and it slid under his desk as I stormed out.

I do feel bad for stoming out of the room like that and as I sped through town to that damn hill that I go to when I am upset, I thought about my actions being so rash and harsh. I dont want people to think of me as some kind of bitch but I dont want to be so easily summed up. And I know that this tempertantrum of mine that had the maturiety level of a five year old made me ashamed and I know I will have a thousand answers asked. Here I sit under the fall turned true with yellow and orange leaves that have littered the ground. I shall place you to the side my annoying book I felt so impulsed to write in. I hear someone coming.

not your friend either

Sam


	4. encounter

Sidebar: NOT TO BE CONFUSSED WITH SALAD BAR! I LIKE MEAT!.....ANY WAY I WANTED TO TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT MY AMAZING NEW BETA THAT EDITED THIS FOR ME AND SO YOUR EYES CAN REST EASY PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!! XOXOXO!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO SOOOO SOOO MUCH!!!

Dear Black Book,

Sadly, it seems my terms of cursing out an inanimate object seem too childish, for today, I feel more like a woman. No, *that* didn't happen to me, you dirty minded object! But it seems that when I was in my stupor, I had been upset and at my typical spot. I had told you about my first encounter with Danny, but it seems that we always end up on that same hill in our frustration. I had been picking at the grass and throwing it at my feet. When he landed, sweat-coated and hair touseled from the wind, he smacked his hands together in graitude of a job well done, and a ghost in his canister that rested at his side.

"Oh, hey Sam," he said off-handedly as he ran his fingers through his hair. I don't think he knows how much I want him.

"Anybody new this time?" I asked, closing the book on my lap.

"Just the Box Ghost and his fun, he wanted to be the Box Ghost of cats in a box... not cool." We laughed.

I couldn't tell if he was thinking about the times we were together or not. I know I was, and as horrible as it sounds, I bit my lip in frustration, remembering the words that Tucker had said about him the day before.

"...Hey, you never got back to me on that thing." See, I told you.

"Yeah, that's because Tucker asked me and I thought he was just being annoying, trying to put us back together." I flipped my long hair out of my face. It reached my mid-back now, and had one long purple streak that was in in front of my bangs, to the left. "Plus, we went there, and you know how that blew up," I said as i tugged at the base of my sleeves.

"But things are different!" He reverted and ran his fingers through his hair, as he always did when he was thinking.

"Danny." I looked into his blue eyes, then had to look away at all the love that was there in the past, resting in those baby blues. I bit down on my lip, and stood before him. It was just then I realized how much taller he was than me, at six feet, with a strong muscular build. I should have known this for a while.

"Give me one good reason why we should be together." He held my hand in his as he stepped closer. I looked at him, gnawing on my lip. I closed my eyes and unleashed my iron tongue. "Danny, I don't love you! You know that we are just friends!" I snagged my hand back, and then I ran.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can hold up this farce! Dear little book, I'm afraid that I can still feel the way his lips were on mine, but as I raise my arm, I still feel that twinge from the accident. All I can do is sit in my bedroom and write to you. How pathetic.

I'll be here, with not much else to do but feel mixed up inside,

Sam.


	5. I can't love you

Sidebar: NOT TO BE CONFUSSED WITH SHOPPING CART!!!! YET AGAIN I WANT TO SEND OUT AN AMAZING THANKYOU FOR PRINCESS OF ROSE WHO EDITED THIS FOR ME!!!! XOXOXO!!!! ALSO THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR AMAZING REVIEWS AND FAVORITES!!!!

Dear Black Book,

See, I have grown up! I don't know what Tucker is talking about! I don't curse out this inanimate object that seems to hold onto the 'real me.'

I just-

It goes like-

Shoot, I don't know how to starr this!

...I guess from the beginning?

It goes like ...

Fine, I'll stop procrastinating. Instead of staring at the chipping wallpaper I refuse to let my mother fix, I'll run my pen across this page and tell you what's going on. Tucker came to my locker before class, and came cursing and screaming at me.

"I SET YOU GUYS UP PERFECTLY THIS TIME! I TOLD DANNY THAT YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE SORRY FOR BEING THE BITCH THAT YOU ARE!!!" He then lowered his voice, noticing the onlookers. "That you still love him." Tucker acted like I actually felt gratitude.

"Tucker, even if I love him or not, it'll never work," I said, as I tried to walk away, but Tucker had gotten bigger than me, and stood taller than me, and finally fit a sterotype that wasn't 'geek.' He was a foot taller and slammed me against the locker, creating a loud 'clank.' He looked **.

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT DAMN SHIT!! DO YOU LOVE HIM OR DON'T YOU!?!" I looked over his shoulder to see Paulina let out her high-pitched laugh, as she waggled her but in a skirt shoter than most people's underwear. She made a slicing motion across her neck as she walked by. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

"I don't," I said in a small voice.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

"I don't!" I said a little louder.

"I don't believe you!" He shouted back.

"I DON'T! I WAS DELUSIONAL THAT I EVER LOVED HIM!! HE IS A FRIEND, AND A DAMN GOOD ONE AT THAT, AND THAT'S IT!!! I DON'T LOVE HIM!!" I shouted and stared Tucker down. Something softened in his face, as I looked at him desperately to dare me again about what I felt. He closed his eyes and I stared down Paulina who was laughing up a storm.

"What is this, more geek melodrama?" She said in a voice that was like nails on a chalkboard. I closed my eyes.

"Sam what is this really about?" Tucker persisted, ignoring her, but I  
couldn't. I tugged at the edges of my sleeve.

"This same conversation would go on if Danny asked if I loved you. You guys are like my brothers, I could never think of you as anything else. I-I don't  
think I should be on patrol anymore." I held my arm absent mindedly as I turned, and it took everything in me not to cry.

But guess what, Little Book? I walked right out of school, and I am on that stupid hill. I took the dagger I hid in the tree and stabbed out the heart that held DF + SM. It was never meant to be.

Probably in need of anger management,

Sam


	6. accident

Sidebar: THANK YOUR FOR YOUR AMAZING EDITING PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY YOU!!!

Dear Black Book,

I guess, because you know so much about the present, I should tell you about the past. I keep referring to it as the accident... But I keep forgetting that you don't know how or why we broke up, because it seems all I talk about is Danny. I must be obsessed.

Anyway, Danny and I had gotten serious. We started to talk about getting married after college, while he was in the NASA program and I was in law school, about how we would spend time with our children, we weren't concerned about the hours only our jobs would require. We would talk about how I would take the first six months of our child's life off, and what types of jobs we would do if the plan fell through. We were really thinking about the future, how we would fund our wedding if I wrote off my parents, or college if Danny's father spent his college fund on his latest invention.

I even started to take him to family functions, and I had gotten into the habit of calling Jazz my best friend and sister! Hell, we were going to the same Ivy League college, although she was going for brain surgeon, and I was going to become a lawyer. I planned to start at the bottom and work my way up to becoming a senator, and soon someone of real power, to make the changes I have always wanted.

But I started to get mean threats, worse than before, when we had our one-year anniversary. I didn't tell Danyn about them, even to this day. He has his suspiscions, but no real idea, of the extent of what had happened. Not even Tucker knows.

It started out like dumb kid stuff, such as a mean note tucked in my locker, and then it started to get worse. I had been part of a protest with PETA to save animals from cruel testing for cosmetics... Then, I recieved a package in the mail. It was a bleeding nose from a rabbit. It didn't stop there. By the end of the protest, I had recieved a whole butchered bunny.

I was shaken from this, but I felt if I told Danny, he would fight my battle for me. I had started to become paranoid, and Danny knew. I wasn't right in the head at that moment, but he loved me and I loved him. He pestered me to tell him what was wrong, and I tolf him it was just information about my protest that had shaken me. He didn't know that I had gone searching to see who would do this to me, and I found it was Star. I knew there had to be someone behind her, though. Paulina.

After cheer practice one day, I stopped her in the locker room. She *told* me it was her, and that her threats were just a small notion of what she wanted to do to me. Then, she took her nail and ran a line from the edge of my tank top to my neck, as it started to bleed, that was just the start of the violent acts.

I had denied all claims to the fight Paulina was pressing on me. But then, one day, I was supposed to meet Danny in the courtyard. It was a week before our eighteen month anniversary, and as I walked though the halls, I tripped and figured it was a ghost. I mean, hell, we fought them 24/7, it seemed. Yet I was wrong.

I don't want to go though the details, but the result is bad enough. Danny was ** that I never met up with him, and he looked through the school to find me in a crumpled heap. He must have thought it was a ghost, and I saw anger in his eyes as I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was in the ICU. I had scars all up and down my body, I was a true mess, with seventeen broken bones, both hands having been smashed with heels and gym equipment, one leg broken and my right arm. It took to the end of summer to recover.

It's been a year, but I still have surgical scars on my arm, and they digust me. It took me three days to see how me being tied to machines and medical equipment had affected Danny, as the years seemed to cake under his eyes. In three days I had figured out the words. It went to my head, the warning Paulina had issued. So I broke it off.

Of course, it was a big fight at first, and then as I told him I didn't love him, he backed off. He questioned how much I was lying or when I was lying. But it didn't take long for him to fall into the indulgence of Paulina and beer. It sickens me to see him still torn over us, but I can;t go back, because I still get Paulina's threats that she would hurt him worse than me. I don't know how much I can believe her, because he was so much stronger than her, but I don't want to find out the hard way.

I need to go to my hill!

Sam.


	7. torturing poor Scott

SideBar: THANK YOU PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!!!!

Dear Little Black Book,

You see, it didn't take long for word to spread that Tucker and I had quarrled. Actually, it was the hottest gossip that the geeks were having trouble in their love triangle. Luckily, Paulina and Star happened to be there to comfort Tucker and Danny as the strangely twiggish goth girl screamed overly lous that she didn't love the world's savior in a romantic way, then ran out of the school straight into her electric black convertible. It turns out, Tucker had texted Danny before the goddipe would tell him about his chance to woo me to see Danny's way. Tucker told him all about my hissy fit and my cut from school. I rather would have sat through snide commedts from Paulina and the Sluts.

I went to my hill. I cried, I stabbed that innocent tree, and when he saw my car, because I saw him run his hands over the black leather interior, I saw the sadness that was locked in his eyes. How many road trips did we take after his parents fought? Or after a good ghost hunt? Or just on bad days when we needed to go somewhere, we always end up at this tree. I don't hide or move. He looked at me and I looked back. I stared him down and he finally turned away, only to take off into the air.

The best part was that I had therapy that day. Yay! So when I went into my session, and I stared down the inkblots, saying it looked like a pen threw up onto the papar and was meant to be interpreted by the spacilly sensory built into our brains so that is can interpret our mental status to tell the shrink what we're thinking about. Like a hornie guy might only see boobs, and if you're obsessing over someone or something you see, that's what the inkblots are, real rocket-sciencey stuff.

"Samantha, I really need you to tell me why you acted to violently. I'm afriad you might be bipolar. We need to run more tests," he said to me.

"Well, the definition of bipolar is that you have multiple feelings in a given span of time, correct?" I said in a sweet tone that tasted like sugary bats that belong on the top of ice cream.

"Yes, it is." He adjusted his glasses so they laid on the brim of his nose, scratching away on that damn yellow legal pad as he 'observed' me.

"Thank of course I'm bipolar! I feel happy when things go well and like shit when somebody makes me feel angry!" I slammed my hands on the table, amking poor Mr. Ducky fall over.

"Now we're getting somewhere. But you're confused. Bipolar isnt mood swings, it's the quick change of a mood. Like you were talking nice and calmly, and then you had an outburst, but now you're back to being calm," He said as I sat with my legs crossed and foot bouncing in the air. I looked up at him from my chipped nailpolish and slammed both feet on the ground. I sat at the edge of my seat and leaned over my knees, putting my weight on my elbows. I ran my fingers through the roots of my hair tousling the ends as waves cascaded down my back (descriptions are a form of procrastination). I bit my lip, laughed lightly then let him have it!

"Look. Scott- can I call you Scott?" I asked with a sadistic smile.

"My first name is Kevin," he said, unsure of my actions, as he laid his pen across the pad of paper, slightly startled by the gleam in my eyes.

"Scott, you say you want to be friends, so, tell me, how the fuck can you be so naive?" I raked my hands against my scalp as I looked him dead in the eye and he squirmed in his seat. "Honeslty? I'm a fucking teenage girl that is currently dealing with an ex-boyfriend and the bitch telling me who I can and can't love!" At this point I had stood up and started to pace around the room. "Because they want to fuck the guys that I hold dear to me, stupid! Life isn't defined in your stupid textbooks and case studies!" I stood behind the man who looked like he was about to pee his pants in fear. "If I talk to you it won't make the situation any better than it will be in three days from now!" I leaned over and draped myself near to his left leg and continued my rant "I can write to a book and tell it what I'm thinking," I swithced over to right "Or I can just stare at you in therapy!" I then slid myself to the side and draped myself in his lap, taking off his glasses as he gulped and squirmed unconfortably, "Or I could go sit and cry under a tree because I'm too damn stubborm to say what I need to say!" I slid his glasses over my eyes and walked over the coffee table. I bent down so my face was a foot away from his own. "I know it and you know it, so why the hell do you have to say shit like that, Scott? you pretend you want to be my friend because of my parent's callet and how it benifits you!" I grabbed hold of his tie and slid my hand to the center of his neck. "Go on. Tell me the truth."

"Samantha, I think... you... you..." I slid his tie back and forth, and as it tightened around his neck, a sweat of fear began to roll down his skin.

"The truth," I hissed.

"You need to talk to Danny," he gulped. I let go of his tie and returned his glasses.

I sighed and sat down on the couch, oppitisiting him. "You're probably right. But that doesnt mean I plan to talk to him. You see, people don't like it when I talk. I don't follow the basic rules of a converstaion."

"I've noticed," The shrink said boldy, that I took as my que to stomp out of the room. Under his breath I heard him murmor "God bless that poor Danny kid." he slumped back in his chair and waved as if I didnt notice him crossing himself like I was the Devil. Should I have been offended ? Probally but having a fit like that felt damn good!

Ishould do that more often

Sam


	8. divorced

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!

SideBar: Thank you PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!

Author Note: Okay so it was pointed out that I may have messed up and posted the same chapter twice...woopsie, this is the real chapter 9!

Dear Black Book,

This morning, Danny and Tucker stood outside my house fifteen minutes earlier than normal. Lately I have been going to their houses and picking them up, but for the past three days they have stood there, calling my cell phone, and banging on the door as I bury my head into my pillows. I'm in no mood to go to school. Danny flew into my room. Damn him for having superpowers.

"You can't hide in here forever." He tugged at my sheets.

"I wouldn't do that." I didn't try to stop him. "I'm naked." I said, hoping it would stop him...it didn't. The sheets were ripped from my body. I sat there in my purple silk nightgown with its plunged V neck and lacy edges.

"Wow. Like I've never seen you naked before." he rolled his eyes. "So what are we avoiding this time? Hunger strike for the pandas?" He asked as he stood at the side of my bed, Tucker's footsteps echoing up the stairs.

"Just leave me alone!" I shoved my head into my pillows. Tucker opened my bedroom door, just as I stuck my butt in the air for emphasis.

"Why do you have to be so frustrating?" Tucker asked. I could just hear him leaning his weight from one foot to the other as he stuck out his hip.

"Sam, I don't care if you don't love me or what ever. One side of crap was good for me in the past, and it's still good now. So can we just go to school and put this all behind us? Plus other people's opinions never meant anything to you before," Danny said, frustrated.

"That's not the point!" I shouted as I sat up and looked him in the eye. "Really, Danny, must everything be about wonderful you? Could something else have happened that I don't want to face the world for? Does it always have to be about you?" Tears were rolling down my face as my voice cracked.

"Sam, what's wrong?" He asked, concered, as Tucker's and his instant reaction was to sit on the edge of my bed.

"I don't want to talk about it," I sniffed.

"Well, that really isnt an option," Tucker said handing me tissues.

I'm ashamed to say they did see me cry. I'm ashamed that after all of my melodrama with Danny, I didn't notice it sooner, but my parents had made it official that their seperation was to be permenent. They were getting a divorce.

My mother was to recieve me, the house, and Nana. Dad got his perky little secretary who was only five years older than me. I'm ashamed to say I had been so wrapped up in Danny, Danny, Danny, that I forgot life moves on, and when I got home real late that night, after therapy... Nana was sitting there with a plate of cookies and whole milk... My depression dessert.

Danny and Tucker just left for school. They didn't say a word to each other, just exchnaged a look. I knew what it meant, 'Dude that's messed up,' and it was enough. They didn't need to day anything. No one need to lie and say it wasn't my bitchy actions that made them fight, it wasn't my trust fund and how to set it up that caused their only finacial feud in their life, or the fact that my mother finally grew a backbone after dragging her to so many feminist rallys, as she actually tried to understand me in the past three years. They didn't need to tell me, it wasn't because they loved me enough to work it out. I already knew.

Faborgasted at my selfishness,

Sam


	9. the ya's of my mother

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!

SideBar: Thank you PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!!

I realize this and the next chapter are kind of long and confussing because normally I cover a span of time that is weeks or days between entriees....and well we all have our long days so with out giving anything away here ya go!

Dear Black Book,

It seems that I can't hide forever. My mother found out about my outburst in therapy. And, of course, because someone noticed her lack of attention had told her that we should have some mother/daughter bonding time. Yay. That, or maybe it was her trying to reconnect because of her recent divorce trying, to get me to be the daughter she wanted. Well, maybe she was just...lonely. But it was bonding none the less.

And for those that know my mother oh-so-well that means shopping. Double yay.

At an expensive boutique that carries endagered animals to go around your neck. Triple yay.

As the home run....she wants to talk. Can some one just take a bat and beat my skull in?

So as we left the house, she tried to convince me we should take the private car with our driver Alfred, but I told her I wouldn't go unless I drove. To add insult to injury and prove her point, I had to wear a skirt, a denim miniskirt with a stripped shirt and a casmire scarf. Yay round five.

I was detreminded to make sure that no one from school would see me out, and about due to the fact I was still beyond humilated for my behavior and I was hell bent on not seeing Danny or Tucker on this fine sunny Saturday, Mother insisted that we drive with the top down and she bit down on her eighty dollr manicure as I took turns faster than usual and stopped shorter than I had to just to give her some extra grey hair. She then tried to converse. Yay six.

"Sammy-kins, when are you going to stop dying your hair that awful color? It makes you skin way too pale." She patted my long black hair with her crip white glove.

"Well, mother, I like the color. Plus I have had it dyed so long, I can't remeber the original color," I said with a heavy sigh.

"You have the cutest blond hair like your father's." I kept my eyes on the road. "Oh dear, your nails are horrendus. We need to have them done." She gave a chuckle.

"Sure thing." I decided the only way out alive in this nightmare was to do as she said.

"Maybe a new hair do. I think that with a new pair of shoes, freshly coated nails, and a cute hair do, all that moping around the house you have been doing will end quite quickly," My mother said optimisticly. I glared at her in return to her peppy optimism. "Maybe some fresh makeup and jewelery as well. You seem twice as bad as I thought." She sighed as she transformed simple shopping for an hour of torture into a whole-day affair. Yay seven.

I pulled into the mega-mall complex and my mother led the way, pounding her heels across the marble floor of the ritzy mall from the next town over. She marched with a purpose to LA Nails. She didn't seem to mind that I avoided the Amity Park mall, she always thought it was beneath her. (Well, technically the floor is always beneath her, but I won't go into technicalites).

Naturally I started our common fight of color. I picked out black and she freaked.

"Honey, don't you want to wear a pretty pink?" I just looked at her. "Fine, black is a classic color, but how about a design over it?" She was trying to compomise. I pitted her with a smile as she tried to keep her public farce.

"Fine." I folded my arms across my chest as I looked through the preppy colors that stared me in the face as my expression twisted. I picked up neon pink, obnoxious orange, nuclear green, screaming purple, and lemon explosion yellow.

"What are you going to do with all those colors?" Her smile quivered, fearing the answer.

"You'll see." I smiled as we sat next to each other to get our nails done. I had decided that I was going to have fun.

I did acrylic wraps like she wanted. When she held onto her classic peach with white tips, I had a black base and each tip was a different neon color. It didn't seem that crazy, but my mother was horrified.

The next stop was my hair. Yay number eight. We went to the next store over and my mother tried to tell the beautitian that my original color was what she wanted. I told her flat-out that if she changed my color, that her preppy little nose ring and matching accessories would take a wonderful journey. I said that with my mother's smile. So my mother settled for me changing my purple highlights, thinking I would make it better. She had gotten new highlights herself, although she was covering up the gray she had with blond streaks over her red color, making large chunks look almost punkish, interesingly. Anyway, I had hightlights put in that matched my nails. My mother covered her gasp craftily.

"Well, you have done a good job matching your nails." Her fake smile was making me sick.

It was then time for clothing. In boutique after boutique we fought. I regret that I have made her life difficult.

"Honey, can you just please find a color we agree on? I get pink isn't your thing, unless it's obnoxious, but please find something that you can wear that won't scare business associates when we go on our trip," She whined with heavy sigh, and I saw the wear and tear.

"Fine. I will wear laveder and black," I decided.

"Purple. I can work with that." Her hand instantly started to race around the rack, yanking out purple flowered things and such. "Mom, this isn't a store in which we will agree. Follow me." She looked like she was about to cry, but I bit my lip and entered a teen store that would have shocked Paulina. I cringed at the pinks, but started to pull aside some sophisticated black things and things with purple designs. I also found a blue strapless dress with sparkles, that had a frilly bottom that flared out. My mother almost cried when I handed her that as things I would try.

"This is blue?" her voice almost cracked. I sighed. It was the same shade as Danny's eyes.

"I like this shade," I admited. She then searched the store for things in the same shade. But nothing matched Danny's eyes like this dress. I then tried on at least a few other sophisticated things, and pulled out jewelery which we found near the counter, in colors that matched my nails and made the appropriate combinations.

The final yay was shoes. My mother was so estatic that I had picked some purple clothes and a preppy blue dress, that she was almost smiling for real. I dug out a pair of combat boots, and she just sunk down in between the racks of shoes.

"Please, Sammy, I can't take this anymore." She shook her head, which was buried in her hands.

"Mom?" I just stared, as she had never lost her composure.

"Please, I'm begging you. Can't we just pretend that we get along, and that there aren't all these small battles. I get it. We're different. You love punk, I love ballet."

"Mom, we have never had anything in common, so why are you trying so hard?" I asked.

"Because I do want to see you happy. I understand you want individuality. To be honest, I drove my parents nuts as well, but when I was set up with your father, I needed to change to fit the rules of society. Every one sells out eventually."

"I can't see you ever rebelling," I laughed. I didn't try to hide it. The image made me giddy.

"I was, anything that I wear now, I do the same as you and scoff at it, but I had to change. I was arranged to be married to your father. It was a hit for the family." She shook her head. "Thank god we ended up getting along. But man, losing that motorcycle was the hardest."

"Your serious?" She shook her head... and then it occured to me. "This is about me getting married, isn't it?" Wided-eyed fear filled me.

"In order to continue the trust fund, you must be married before you turn twenty. Honey, I thought that you would be with Danny, to be honest," She sighed.

"So this series of events we have to go to aren't for business ties in the normal means? It's about finding me a husband?" I was horrified.

"Baby, I promise we'll find someone you can stand."

"Even if I got back with Danny you would hate him! He may have saved the world, but you never thought he was good enough." My voice was louder than it should be, and the sales associates peeked over her shoulder as I fell into another fit.

"I had to! Otherwise you would break up with him! You love anything I hate and you were never happy until you went out with him!" Her voice had risen as she yelled back. "I just wanted you happy, and not ending up having to marry a stranger like me," she murmured "Look where that got me."

"Well I messed up, so I guess it's a stranger for me." I sighed again.

"Can't you do anything to fix it? It's never too late, and I know you're still crazy about him." She actually concerned!

"There's more to the story than I let on." I looked my mother straight in the eye. She looked down. I had to explain.

I told her all about the real reason we broke up. She held her comments and listened patiently as I drove us home. She ended up crying, the one thing that I was unable to do at this point. I felt as if I had cried every tear that was left inside me. We sat in the driveway as I finished the tale. Neither of us reached for the door handle. When I was done, we sat there in silence for a good twenty minutes. The thing, rather, person that had startled us was Danny, standing at the end of the driveway.

Sam


	10. insanity

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!

THANK YOU PRINCESS OF ROSE!!!

side bar: to speed this up and make things go quickly this is what happens inbetween entrees......sorta.....

_"Sam please, can we talk?" Danny asked as my mother stormed out of the car she slammed the car door loud enough that I flinched._

"YOU HAVE SOME NERVE!!" she said on hte very nerve of lossing her composure.  
"Mom, please!" I pleaded as I leaped out of the car not bothering with the door as I stood between the two of them.

"No I cant take this anymore sammie!" She slipped off her glove and raised her hand about to smake him....or I thought. She piveted last minute and slapped me square across the face. I stood there my face swollen and Danny's jaw gapping.

"How dare you! You peddle all this ** about going on about what you believe in and how stronge you want to be! THEN YOU GIVE UP!! GET DOWN FROM YOU HIGH ** HORSE IF YOU DARE WANT TO SEE THAT THE WORLD HASNT ENDED FOR YOU YET!" She stomped into the house her heels echoing as she pounded up the driveway. She then froze at the door and looked back at me. "SO YOU GET A COUPLE SCRATCHES BOO-**-HOO! THEN YOU CALL IT QUITS GOD YOUR AS PATETIC AS YOUR FATHER!" She slammed the door shut and I was finally able to feel my red swollen cheek. Danny looked absolutly horified.

"Did-that-ju- Sammie-your-hurt?" He couldnt comprehend what was going on but instantly he had held my jaw tenderly in his hand and forced me to stair into his eyes. "Are you okay?" He asked just as tender as his touch was. I didnt say anything, I looked beyond him at the door that has been so violenly shut as tears spilled past my cheeks, I saw the curtain flutter and I knew my mother had put on yet another show and I couldnt help but laugh. Danny looked at me like a mad woman but I fell to my knees and I laughed as I reallized the irony in my very actions.

Dear Black Book,

I sat there in the driveway for the better part of ten minutes, laughing and crying, as I processed what my mother had just done. Danny stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say or do. When I had finally wiped my eyes dry and shakily stood up, he spoke-

"Should I even ask?" He said, eyebrow raised, and instinctively he held on to my elbow to steady me. I looked up into his eyes and blushed like I was thirteen. My heart was racing just as fast. I let a twisted smile form on my lips as I saw a pale pink run across his own cheeks.

"You know very well if you ask you will get an answer," I said, pulling out my confidence, ignoring the fact that not only two seconds ago I was just a puddle in my driveway of conflicted emotions. And like some dumb cliché we stood their just searching each other's eyes for who should say the next thing and who.

"You know, you really messed me up when you said that." He moved the hair from my face behind my ears and I saw that window curtain flutter and I sighed and averted his eyes.

"Which part? I say a lot of terrible things." I couldn't look him in the eyes any longer they told me the truth.

"Sam, what's this really about?" He asked. I bit down on my lip and looked into his eyes, pleading with him.

"Please, don't ask me that." Tears pooled at my eyes.

"Fine, just please answer me truthfully, do you love me? 'Cause if you do, no matter what, we can make it work! I've saved the world more times than I can count, and there is nothing that can get in my way of you."

"What about your current girlfriend?" A high pitched voice said behind me.

"Paulina?" He stepped away from me and towards her.

"Danny, honey, what's all this?" Paulina asked in a voice that tried to be pleasant but failed at its attempt.

"I had fallen and he helped me up. He was doing nothing but a gentlemen's job. You are so lucky." I patronized the bitch with a bow of my head, my hair covering my inflamed face.

"I know I am." She wrapped her arms around his waist and snaked her way to his lips. To her dismay he pushed her away.

"Sam... please, can we talk about this?" He pleaded.

"Danny, I have never believed in cheating. Paulina is a very nice girl, and she will treat you right. I can't go on pretending that there is something between us and you shouldn't either. The only thing between you and me is air," I said coldly, as I stared into the soulless demon draped around his arms. "I could have been nicer with the way I've told you the truth. But facts are facts, so leave them at that." I walked into the house and slammed the door. I leaned against the door, and opened my eyes to see my mother was sitting on the stairs.

"Can you for once not tell me 'I told you so'?" I pleaded. I looked to the side of the window to see Danny screaming at Paulina in the driveway. He tried to run up the stoop of my house, but then she kissed him, and easily he submitted.

Close call to the truth,

Sam


End file.
